A Marriage After His Heart

My journey and life unscripted as I transition from the role of a single mom living for God to a newlywed trying my best at blending and expanding my family, all while pursing a marriage after God and my husband's heart. Join us on this journey!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Turning New Pages

Well I guess it's been no secret that I disappeared from the center of the blogosphere. Yes, I still perused my favorite friends and left a comment or two, but I really haven't done much writing lately. Honestly, after I stepped away I found it just too hard to return, it also didn't help that my blog has been taken over by an enormous amount of SPAM and crazy anonymous comments and the the thought of going in and deleting those comments daily was just draining so, I guess I got a little lazy or my priorities shifted, either way I just didn't feel bitten by the blog post bug.

There have been a few changes in my life though. We found out that baby number 4 is another girl, and I have returned back into the workforce full-time in order to relieve my husband of the gigantic financial burden he was carrying. I have learned so much during my time off and I believe even more about myself since I have stepped away from blogland.

While I wholeheartedly agree that my being at home was the ABSOLUTE BEST thing for my family, I have to be sensible in seeing that my return to home was unplanned and unexpected a month after my brand-new marriage. A marriage into which I entered well into my adult years with a nice sum of debt. That debt combined with my husbands debt just did not seem to want to disappear because I came home, even though it was best for me. Another thing I learned is that an overworked, stressed, husband who makes a decision to temporarily forgo attending church which was a huge outlet for him in order to work to support his family does not make for the easiest of circumstances.
The head of my heart and home slowly depleting himself of the spiritual nutrition so that he could provide for his family just seemed like too much of a sacrifice for this help meet to sit back and watch. So I prayed for God to show his will and he did just that by opening a door for me to have a job that would provide enough for me to work to help pay off debt. We feel that it is better for me to work now, save money, pay down debt and work toward a goal of returning home in a couple of years permanently and with God's grace I know we can do it.

With that being said, this has been the hardest transition for me. Don't believe me, just ask my good friend Terry who immediately stopped and prayed with me when I called today from my desk in tears because my beloved baby has the worst case of separation anxiety I have ever seen. Our bond is being tested and she is not handling it well. Since last week she has basically cried all day every moment that she is not asleep. It has is almost unbearable and if having to listen to your baby scream and cry over the phone was a torture tactic well lets just say I would tell all secrets known. I am praying that God comforts my baby, that he wraps his arms around her and comforts her the way I normally do. For now she refuses to eat, take a bottle or play, she screams and cries unless she is being held or rocked by the staff....

I reject all statements that my baby is spoiled, she is just used to the security of her mom. She has been home with me the entire 11 months of her life. I am all she knows, we have a routine, she spent her days happily following me from room to room, exploring, learning, knowing that her needs physical and emotional were going to be met. I do not apologize for that and I am grateful for that miracle of time that I never experienced with my other children. I love them all equally, but never have I been able to fully enjoy the power of the mother-child bond until Graci.

With all that I will close, I am glad to be able to pick up and express myself in the outlet of blogging again. I don't know how frequent my return will be, but today this bawling working momma received a much needed reprieve.. If you think about us say a prayer for Graci and me during this time. I know its for a season and she will be fine but it's always nice to have that moment when you just know someone said a prayer for you! Stay blessed and encouraged!