I, am a realist.... I believe the only way you can address a problem is to admit you have one. I believe that life is full of teaching moments which can be categorized into three faucets....The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. This is my fundamental belief, it's my mission statement, it's my mantra.
I have been absent from blog land for a long while. My hiatus was intentional. Some of it was because I battled depression during certain seasons and I just didn't want to bore the world with endless "woe is me" writing. I had several Edgar Allen Poe "Tale Tale Heart moments". I went on a dark and twisty places within my carnal nature and attempted open heart surgery and to dismember the selfish person who I thought was dead only to find out I was not.
Don't get me wrong,there were some good times, plenty of them and many more than the dark times during my absence, but by that time I'd lost my zeal for writing. Juggling the priorities of babies and tweens somewhat threw my writing off it's organizational orbit. When I did write I would go back and find awful grammatical errors. Then blogger allowed all these spam comments that seemingly overtook my blog like cancer , toss in the fact that my selfish ego took a bruising when spammed comments overtook reader comments voila' I just became very pridefully and selfishly indifferent to my blog.
But God with his all loving, heart pricking, soul tenderizing, chastening self decided to deal with me on my talent I was hiding in the ground. The talent I was not investing in for his glory, the one I was becoming a horrible steward with. I tried to crawl back into written expression via Facebook, but it's not the same. I still use it for a platform, but I miss blogging. I had to remember that I write for God first, my husband second, me third and everyone else falls in line accordingly.
I have tons of things to write about mainly the journey of my marriage. We passed the year two mark and are on our way to year three. It has been the sweetest most painstaking experiences I have yet to endure. I don't say endure lightly either. Marriage is an endurance sport. It's not a sprint, it's not a leisurely stroll, it is a marathon. One does not wake up one day and run the Boston Marathon trust me, and I learned that marriage is the same. I have had to undergo rigorous training, pushing myself way beyond limits my mind and heart wanted to go. I have realized things about myself that I thought were dead, and God has often reminded me of the list of "giver uppers" I swore to if only he blessed me with a husband!
Don't get me wrong, I am completely, utterly, absolutely, overly in love with my Mark. I love that dude's dirty drawers ( as we say down here in the south), but loving him correctly, in lockstep with God's word, and loving him more than I love Jamala has been a work wrought within me! I thought things would just fall automatically, but you really learn what true love is when you love beyond your selfishness when you are forced to love beyond what you feel is fair and reasonable. Marriage is truly defined when you truly sit down and ponder on what the "for better of a person, and for worse of a person" really means.
I have and still am learning that even though we are one, we still both have an individual nature that if left unattended will result in a Pushmi -pullyu . Remember that animal character from the Dr. Doolittle series? When one tried to go left the other went right, or when one tried to go north, the other went south? Yep, this is exactly the type of animal Jamala was fighting against becoming. And it's easy to turn into a Pushmi-pullyu when you allow the little things to distract you from the word of God, from your vows, from those sweet promises you made to each other while honeymooning, from the duties you have been given as stewards of a family.
My strained gnats like (submission, obedience, love, and patience with one another) was at times overshadowed by the swallowed camels (like bills, unplanned babies, exhaustion, feeling pulled in upteenthousand directions coupled with expected husband/wife marital duties, and my sometimes really hidden desire for equality and balance in the marital hierarchy); and all the while the elephant/camel in the room was ignored. I simply did not want to admit that I was given a place, a lane to stay in and I simply at times was not in it. Oh I wasn't openly toe to toe arguing with my husband, no none of that, but was I perfoming my duties with a willing, cheerful heart? Was I outwardly honoring him while inwardly feeling very unappreciated and jealous of his God given role and honor? The answer is yes, at times I found myself behaving on the inside like a jealous child.
Yep, I am openly admitting that this has been my journey. I have found myself at times walking the same path that I said I would never travel. Instead of the small narrow way, I often times found myself off path, not quite on the broad way, but off that path that is "tight but right".
I thank God for giving me a loving, patient husband. I thank God for introducing me to a handful of Godly women that keep me grounded even when I had to cringe when reading about my "almost" behavior through their writing. I thank Him for a community of women who hold up the banner of Godliness, and of the true ways of a Godly wife. I have so much more to say but I will save my experiences for another post but for now I will leave you with this just dessert. It's a picture of Tabron Reese, who is such a sweet, quiet, baby who is also her daddy's mirror. She fills our days with gummy smiles and deep belly giggles. We are truly blessed!
Graci at her Otolarynologist appointment after her surgery
Pushmi-pullyu image taken from this internet site.