A Marriage After His Heart

My journey and life unscripted as I transition from the role of a single mom living for God to a newlywed trying my best at blending and expanding my family, all while pursing a marriage after God and my husband's heart. Join us on this journey!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Marriage, Merging and Football

photo by art.com
In my transition from an single mother to where I am now in my life as a`wife, I have learned a ton and one thing, the most important lesson that I have learned over the past year or so is that the sooner you transfer your power over to your husband the smoother things will flow in your marriage.

For years I held the title of CEO, COO, CFO and President of the Board of Directors in my little enterprise of a family and once I merged with my husband, I immediately gave up my power and titles.....or so I thought :). I was ( still am and struggle) with just being plain old bossy, not in a disrespectful way but in that gentle nudging way that I soon learned was borderline nagging, I also learned quickly that my husband married a wife and not his mother. I had to step back and see that although in ceremony and in theory I had relinquished my headship, in practice I was still performing ghost.

The good thing is, that I am married to a patient, laid back, and funny man who would often ( and still does) crack jokes at me when I am sounding like an old crow and yes ladies we can sound like old crows. The other good thing is that my husband realized that I had to be mommy and daddy and always responsible for every little thing for years and that our 6month courtship and few months of marriage was not going to dissipate those instincts that I had came to know as survival skills. What we did was first we prayed and fasted together that God would teach us how to merge our independent enterprises into one, we sat down and we figured out how and what worked best for our family on the natural side of life as Mark took over. We basically went in knowing that both spiritually and naturally this was going to be a learning and teaching moment but yet we resolved to go through this God's way with love and temperance, patience, and long suffering.

We also didn't set high expectations of each others roles outside of what God required. I knew automatically that I would have to submit to Mark's leadership, and while it was not a struggle at all, I had to learn how to sit patiently without tapping my fingers or chewing my nails and let him make the decisions that I was so used to making, the positive is that he never makes a decision without either consulting me or informing my why he did and actually he is a little more detailed in that area than I am. He always wants to be open with me and is motto is that you are my help meet, how can you know how to help me if you don't know what I plan on doing?? For me it makes it easier and I learned how to trust him fully without being tempted to add my two cents because we learned and are learning how to work together.

Most of you know that my husband is an ex football player, he is always in coach mode, he relates that way, we have this thing where we meet and things we discuss are plays. I have learned football talk and as crazy as it sounds it is funny to see him all amped up in coach mode, so it is easier for me to understand him because he is passionately expressing himself in his comfort zone ( now please know that this isn't his only language just his favorite LOL).

He is the head coach and I am the assistant, he the quarter back and I the receiver together our aim is to make touchdowns and win against the enemy and his defense. He plays many roles, and so do I. He's the head coach, offense and defense. I am offense , defence and his cheerleader and there are times we have to call an audible, a few times we've had a flag or two on a play but as long as we practice together and I keep him in my line of sight and not drop the ball we are good. He throws, I catch, he blocks, I run, WE SCORE. Our goal is simple play hard, play fair, have fun with as few flags, penalties and loss yards as possible. We know it's going to happen and when it does trust me God will throw a flag quickly but because we have him as our Official, we know we can get it together and regain those loss yards and come back stronger for it.

I will leave by saying this, if you are having trouble transferring your power to your husband then I can only suggest you turn your heart to God more and ask him to help you, even if your husband doesn't measure up in your eyes. Ask God to show you how to be a help meet to him. Every president needs a VP, every coach needs and assistant and while the one in the shadows may be the wisest and stronger just remember that if you transfer your wisdom and your strength it can only help the one in charge. It helps because unlike business or football you are not in competition with each other and if you are then again you need to turn your heart to God and pray that he will help you not him/her loose that competitive frame of mind. If you are a single parent thinking about marriage or on the road to marriage or even married your children must see togetherness.

If you are or were a single mom then your children need to see your heart turned towards submission. Its a beautiful thing, its a challenge only if you make it. If you remember that you are married and committed to God and trust him completely you will be able to loose that mistrust and smoothly transition into loving and honoring your husband in his God given role as the head.

Marriage is like the church, we are workers together with God and it can't survive on anything more or less than that. Be blessed and stay encouraged!
2 Corinthians 1:24 Not for that we have dominion over your faith, but are helpers of your joy: for by faith ye stand.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Fear of the "Real" Factor

As I typed this post that I posted on Friday, a great part of me wondered it I were being too real. If I were exposing too much of my struggles and journey. I wondered heavily if I were casting darkness on my light of faith that I strive to shine each and every day of my life.

I have read many a post where women are admonished for telling too much business, and sure I have internally admonished quite a few myself because the tone was a little bit more than I thought it should have been, but lately I have had to step back and evaluate my thoughts on keeping things real in blog land.

I believe we have this notion of "proper-ness" that we will expose our homeschooling schedules, our menus, our daily trips to and from, our coupon deals, recipes, political views, spiritual journey's frugality,biblical views and opinions and yet we come to a screeching halt when we feel we are getting too close to the line of our marital struggles we stop. Why is that? Why do we equate sharing the struggles of our marriages with airing our dirty laundry and I am not talking about the nitty gritty details or arguments, I speak of the learning curves, the I rode the wave and lived to tell about it stories. I'm talking about the marital triumphs and how they were attained. Oh, I know we can speak loudly about overcoming feminism, or learning to be church mouse quiet or super submissive but what are we quiet about? What are we submitting to? I also know that its much easier to tell a reading audience not to look at me for marital advice but to look to God and the bible, but how do I know God isn't sending someone to learn from my story or how do you know He isn't using yours to help me?

As I read the Bible, I read countless stories especially in the OT that seem like a dramatic mini series or a script for a soap opera. God exposed the good the bad and the ugly. He left it on record for us to glean and learn his lessons some generations to come. Each and every story in the bible is a testimony for the person written. Some show the awesome power of God, some show struggles in faith, others disobedience and the recompense of that individual's reward, and the fact of the matter is that it's there, written, on record for all the world to read . Think about it, do you really think Potipher's wife wanted everyone to know that she was a seductress and lied on the man of God? How about Hannah, do you think that she wanted us to know that she was barren and jealous of her husbands other wife or that she was insecure? What about Sarah? Do you really think she would be excited at the fact that for centuries to come everyone would know that she doubted God and laughed at his promise? Maybe, or maybe not but it is there in plain old black and white in hundreds of translations thousands of years later.

Now, I don't believe that we should give any testimony of our lives current or past that isn't useful for edification, encouragement, or teaching. I also don't believe that blogs should be a means to an end of belaboring all of our frustrations of our day to day lives. I most certainly don't believe that blogs should be a vehicle to blast our husbands, wives, and children or other blogs for that matter however, if encouraging another married couple that they can make it through the storms is your hearts intent and its okay with God and your husband then I say go for it.

Now please don't think for once that I am saying a person should just always "tell their business" marriage is sacred and the goings on between a husband and wife is private but I think it's okay to ask if on my journey through this world is there anything in my life that I can use to help someone walk with me. With the high rate of divorce in the church, and the lack of access to good counsel for some people would it hurt me tremendously if that person who googled "how to stay quiet when my husband is fussing about me burning dinner" learns from my story? Just a thought. Stay blessed and encouraged.