A Marriage After His Heart

My journey and life unscripted as I transition from the role of a single mom living for God to a newlywed trying my best at blending and expanding my family, all while pursing a marriage after God and my husband's heart. Join us on this journey!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Valentine's and All That Good Stuff

Lately Titus 2, wifely duties, and other marital subjects to name a few have been the topics of many a lively blog discussion. But alas we have a wonderful weekend romantic reprieve. So I encourage us all to take a moment away from biblical blog-land and savor the moment of this one day that many of us don't get to wrapped up in.
I don't have a bunch of love day plans, Mark and the girls will be together on Valentine's Day at a Father/Daughter Valentine's Day Ball sponsored by our PTO. I am geeked and excited for them. I think it is a wonderful thing for our Watch Dog Dad's to want to promote the value of the father/daughter relationship. My kids have never really had that experience and let me tell you, they are so excited to attend this event. I realized that it's not about what Mark and I do, but it is about them feeling valued as little girls which will lead to feeling valued as young ladies. Last night we spent hours in the salon getting the girls all gussied up and I came home late to a wonderful surprise! A gleaming, sparkling clean house, with smell good candles lit, laundry roaring, and my bedroom re-arranged in a way that I couldn't even imagine on my best day to make room for baby. My hubs was even generous enough to hang my clothes that were waiting to be hung on Sat, and he stacked and organized my shoes! I am in heaven!

Now I am feeling less overwhelmed and there is an end in sight for baby preparations. I think while he and the girls are out having a ball, I will go out and purchase some of the items on my list for the baby so that when he comes home he can be surprised by the beginnings of our mini-nursery. I hope to have pics to post. I think yesterday I was feeling a little hormonal. Today I am excited. Maybe it was this email from my mom that put it in perspective:

Sounds like a case of Attention Deficit Disorder. No
seriously, I'm serious. But is there anything too hard for God? You are in the process of de-programming your mind from being totally responsible to letting someone else share your power. Remember that you have a husband now and together the three of you (you, him and the holy spirit) will do what has to be done. That is part of what husbands are for. It seems to me that you are making yourself more anxious about a lot of "What ifs". Try focusing more on the "what is". The first "what is" is that you are on God's side now. The next "what is" is that you have a husband that loves you and is a strong, positive influence for you and the girls. Another "what is" is that you have two children who are excited about having a new baby and will be just as helpful to you as you were to me [Well, that might be something to worry about. (..)].

So I guess I will quit my whining and enjoy the blessings in my life that apparently God thinks I deserve! Also check out my post here if you still are looking for a neat little VD present for your sweetheart. Have a wonderful V- Weekend and Stay Encouraged!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I Am So Not Ready For This Baby!

I am so not ready to have a baby right now.Maybe I need to stop looking at tickers, maybe I am just having pre-baby jitters but today I feel a little anxious, not fearful, or depressed, but anxious. Why am I anxious? Well being that the ticker keeps reminding me that I am now down to 60 days and really that's just an estimation I am thinking of how much more time I need to prepare for this baby.

I am a high strung person by nature. I have never been one of those 24 hr calm, collected types. I struggle with the feeling of being overwhelmed a lot. Now, I know how to calm myself and take a moment to center on God and focus, but I have more of those having to calm myself days than I do just plain old being calm days. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those high anxiety types who constantly walks around in a state of virtual melt-down, but I do struggle with trying to remained focused when there is a lot of noise and movement going on. I get easily distracted and am not one of those individuals who can automatically tune out everything going on around her. I am super watchful of my surroundings, and as much as it is a blessing it is sometimes a thorn being able to hear even the smallest whisper from the back bedroom, or the next door neighbor's television, or the birds chirping, or the lake fountain that my apartment overlooks. Just the simplest noise can somewhat be a distraction kinda like hearing a mosquito buzzing near your ear and not being able to see it.

All of the things that I mentioned above are things about myself that really bother me. These are things that need purging from my life. I need to learn how to function in hustle and bustle. I need to learn how to tune out the white noises that drown my thoughts. I need to learn how to cook and clean, rest, and talk through the noises of distractions.

I often wonder how will I function through the cries of a newborn, the immediate fires of a growing tween on the edges of puberty, and a middle child who for 6 of her 7 years of life clung to me as if she knew I am all that she has in this world and the only one who understands her. I won't mention a husband who tries and is so successful at being the calming eye in my momentary storm, he still needs me too.

The enemy often brings the thought that I am not a successful mom. I believe this is due to the fact that I hold tremendous guilt at not having that precious calming bonding time when both of my girls were born. They were born to a mother who was scared, guilty, full of shame, hurt, neglected, emotionally battered, and in no way emotionally stable enough to adequately bond with my girls. However, we bonded through experience, we bonded through trial and error, we grew up together, we bonded through a failed relationship and later through my return to God. While all those are good bonds, I still miss the experience of bonding with that motherly calm, that I so desperately desired.

Fast forward nearly 10 years later I struggle with wondering if I can pull it off? Can this be my second chance to do it right? Can I bring a baby into a calm and settled environment so that it doesn't have to adjust to the chaos of my unsettled nervousness. While I am nursing this child, can I send it the strong and settled emotions through my milk? Can I be the super mom that I need to be? Will I get so caught up in the noises of being a new mom that I miss a vital distress- signals that my pre-tween may be sending off that only I can detect? Or will my baby who will soon be middle fall victim to the middle child syndrome and feel that she has to vie for my affections? Will my hubs feel neglected and join the masses of Christian men who begin to feel lukewarm vibes from his wife who in return feels misunderstood, neglected, and frustrated? I don't want to be that woman, and I don't want that marriage, but I read about it, I see it personally from others and it's a club I don't want to join.

The only solution that I can come up with is to just cry out to God with my hopes and fears and trust that he will mold me into what HE desires me to be as a wife and mother. To know that fact alone offers a sense of peace and refuge during this time of nervousness!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Shamlessly Plugging for Votes

Okay, I will admit that I entered my hubs and I into a Valentine's Day Love Story Contest. I did it for two selfish reasons, one is obviously for the nice prize and secondly I thought, what a wonderful way to spread the word of a bible courtship and a biblical marriage. The down side is that I just found out about it yesterday, and the voting for the contest ends tomorrow. We probably won't win, I saw that there is already a couple ahead of us with over 1100 votes. But it's a fun way to spread God's message of true love on a day that the whole world focuses on showing love. The website is here, and if you click on the tab that says vote, our story is on page 3. Thanks for you so much!