I am so not ready to have a baby right now.Maybe I need to stop looking at tickers, maybe I am just having pre-baby jitters but today I feel a little anxious, not fearful, or depressed, but anxious. Why am I anxious? Well being that the ticker keeps reminding me that I am now down to 60 days and really that's just an estimation I am thinking of how much more time I need to prepare for this baby.
I am a high strung person by nature. I have never been one of those 24 hr calm, collected types. I struggle with the feeling of being overwhelmed a lot. Now, I know how to calm myself and take a moment to center on God and focus, but I have more of those having to calm myself days than I do just plain old being calm days. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those high anxiety types who constantly walks around in a state of virtual melt-down, but I do struggle with trying to remained focused when there is a lot of noise and movement going on. I get easily distracted and am not one of those individuals who can automatically tune out everything going on around her. I am super watchful of my surroundings, and as much as it is a blessing it is sometimes a thorn being able to hear even the smallest whisper from the back bedroom, or the next door neighbor's television, or the birds chirping, or the lake fountain that my apartment overlooks. Just the simplest noise can somewhat be a distraction kinda like hearing a mosquito buzzing near your ear and not being able to see it.
All of the things that I mentioned above are things about myself that really bother me. These are things that need purging from my life. I need to learn how to function in hustle and bustle. I need to learn how to tune out the white noises that drown my thoughts. I need to learn how to cook and clean, rest, and talk through the noises of distractions.
I often wonder how will I function through the cries of a newborn, the immediate fires of a growing tween on the edges of puberty, and a middle child who for 6 of her 7 years of life clung to me as if she knew I am all that she has in this world and the only one who understands her. I won't mention a husband who tries and is so successful at being the calming eye in my momentary storm, he still needs me too.
The enemy often brings the thought that I am not a successful mom. I believe this is due to the fact that I hold tremendous guilt at not having that precious calming bonding time when both of my girls were born. They were born to a mother who was scared, guilty, full of shame, hurt, neglected, emotionally battered, and in no way emotionally stable enough to adequately bond with my girls. However, we bonded through experience, we bonded through trial and error, we grew up together, we bonded through a failed relationship and later through my return to God. While all those are good bonds, I still miss the experience of bonding with that motherly calm, that I so desperately desired.
Fast forward nearly 10 years later I struggle with wondering if I can pull it off? Can this be my second chance to do it right? Can I bring a baby into a calm and settled environment so that it doesn't have to adjust to the chaos of my unsettled nervousness. While I am nursing this child, can I send it the strong and settled emotions through my milk? Can I be the super mom that I need to be? Will I get so caught up in the noises of being a new mom that I miss a vital distress- signals that my pre-tween may be sending off that only I can detect? Or will my baby who will soon be middle fall victim to the middle child syndrome and feel that she has to vie for my affections? Will my hubs feel neglected and join the masses of Christian men who begin to feel lukewarm vibes from his wife who in return feels misunderstood, neglected, and frustrated? I don't want to be that woman, and I don't want that marriage, but I read about it, I see it personally from others and it's a club I don't want to join.
The only solution that I can come up with is to just cry out to God with my hopes and fears and trust that he will mold me into what HE desires me to be as a wife and mother. To know that fact alone offers a sense of peace and refuge during this time of nervousness!
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