A Marriage After His Heart

My journey and life unscripted as I transition from the role of a single mom living for God to a newlywed trying my best at blending and expanding my family, all while pursing a marriage after God and my husband's heart. Join us on this journey!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Where My Mind Is

Well my friends, it has been a couple of weeks and I am still here. I have had so many thoughts racing through my head to blog about but I just haven't felt the urge to blog. As many of you know for some reason that makes no sense to me, my side of town doesn't have DSL capability, so there is no Internet access for me. I have to go to an Internet cafe which I just really haven't felt much like doing. For what ever reason it seems like such a waste of time, and gas to drive around town to sit up and browse the computer all day when there is so much I can do at home. This time with limited Internet access has been a very beneficial time for me. I have had emotional roller coasters in which some days I am up and some days I am down, and others I am just coasting.

All and all just having charge of my own time has been a wonderful thing to me. No filled to the brim tasks scheduled on Outlook, better yet no Outlook calender to fill and those pesky little reminders to minimize. No emails every two minutes and no frustration of an over sized mailbox that prohibits me from sending an important email that I have been trying to send all day. Oh there is no worry of infuriating exhibits of office email etiquette in which every person on your email CC:"s their boss and his boss, and no intimidated person hitting reply to all and trying to one up you as they condescendingly argue a point via email when they are either in the next cubicle or the office across from you. I guess I am just giving you a glimpse of my former day in the life of and I haven't even made it to lunch yet!! All in all I love being home, but there is a brainwashed part of me that misses the madness. It was a integral part of my life for so long that I sometimes get overwhelmed by the little solvable "dramatic" problems of my household. My mornings have been replaced from staff meetings, unscheduled office meetings, frantic calls to put out bush fires that exceed the forest fire magnitude and shamefully I thrived on that. I was always the "one to make things happen" " the go to girl" and the "fire putter outer".

I remember the times when I worked for the state DHS office, I spent many of my days answering program complaints funneled down from the Governor's office, rubbing elbows with state legislators to solve the complaints from their constituents, and attending legislative sessions to answer possible questions about the grants or contracts I over saw. I was over a multi-million dollar state funded contract/ grants program all related to the states Division of Child Care and Early Childhood Education. I made sure that federal funds we provided to child care providers, and state funded pre- K programs was put to good use. I traveled, sat in on trainings, and monitored budgets with an eagle eye. I felt important, I felt proud because although I escaped my destiny of being a teacher like my mom, I made sure that those who were teaching our precious young ones were equipped to do so.

That part of my life I loved, then I traded public service with all myflexibility and family-friendliness to tangle myself up in the human resource department of a state funded teaching hospital and medical school. I went from helping others to actually hurting others. Everyday I would come home guilt ridden at the air tight, rigid, inflexible policies that I felt drowned the working family. I would close my office and cry sometimes at those who had to be terminated because they violated the attendance policy. Too many calls from the school, a family with four children all having chicken pox a week apart, waking up to the pink eye passed between siblings, or the famous stomach virus that all children have a day apart. It broke my heart, and I literally felt if I had sold my soul. I would plead to my boss, we have to give them some flexibility, these are real problems and real people. All we have to do is invest our support and it will save us admin and training dollars but rules are rules and upper management bureaucracy prevails. Each day I despised my job and it showed, I did not have the strength to work through it and eventually my fire dwindled. My work lacked passion, and so did I. The end result... my current place which is at home. I no longer miss my kids and felt the guilt of the working mom syndrome and of not being available 100%.

I don't know why my mind is allowing my fingers to type this, maybe I need a reminder of my purpose. I still have a desire to help others and since my husband and I did not financially plan for me to come home, there is a possibility that I may have to return if God wills. My desire is to have my dh go back to grad school and get his MA in social work, and become licensed and I may have to work for a little while to help him achieve that dream that will better our future, we just don't know yet. He loves working with kids with behavioral issues and in the geriatric mental health field. He has patience with individuals with disabilities and with the elderly that I know is a gift from God. He is a quiet and kind spirit that makes the light appear in the eyes of a child that has been told they just can't act right, and a smile light up in older women as he holds the door for them, or gets something off the top shelf at the grocery store out of no where. He doesn't believe in meds to make kids sit still, just plain old love and hands on one on one time. So my prayer is that he gets the license that he needs to make the money he deserves so that I can come home with no stress on him.

It is a humbling experience to see the man you love praying in the wee hours of the morning for a fishes and loaves miracle so that his wife doesn't have to work. It's a wonderful thing to know that that man's first desire is to pray and not pace the floor worrying, or not make his wife feel guilty for the burden that she knows is on his back. It's a beautiful thing for that man to lead his family in encouragement and devotion to the Lord for the his goodness and provision. It's a proud feeling when you know you are doing all you can to make things easier on him, cutting every corner, using every resource, and learning from others who have traveled the road you are now traveling.

This is where my mind is today, some moments it's all over the place, in the past, in the present, and sometimes looking at the future but in the end it always ends up on the things of God, the man I love, his child I am carrying, and the children that make it all worth it.

Stay blessed and encouraged until next time.

Ps: Baby and mom are fine, we are in our second trimester and I have gained over 10lbs in one month ( don't laugh this is monumental for me) and the nausea has subsided some and has been replaced with heartburn. I am anxiously awaiting Thanksgiving though, when I will eat myself miserable. Ahhh the holidays.