A Marriage After His Heart

My journey and life unscripted as I transition from the role of a single mom living for God to a newlywed trying my best at blending and expanding my family, all while pursing a marriage after God and my husband's heart. Join us on this journey!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Have I Totally Lost It?!?!

Today I must share the thoughts that are going on in my mind, as scary as they are I have to actually write them out to make sure that they are real. Hopefully I won't loose readers after this but if I do then God help.

As I have mentioned and some of you know this is a very hard pregnancy for me. In my entire life, I cannot remember ( and I have tried) a time where I was this sick. I feel as though my body is in the middle of a mutiny which is headed by the child I am carrying. Now I am not complaining (I hope), but I am admitting that this is very difficult for me.

I am used to being on the go, always busy, and a somewhat productive member of society, and the glue of my home. Even before I was married all things started and revolved around me as mother andafter I got married it was me in my role of wife and mother. Now I feel as I have recently been reduced to a couch/bed potato who really can't do much for herself and we won't even mention the lack of production for my family. To simply put it, I am just not used to being or feeling useless. So yesterday in between my fits of nausea and excessive vomiting, I looked at my husband and said " Babe, I don't know if I can go through this again" and I was serious. Crying serious and that has bothered me all day and all night.

Is this a phase? Am I being selfish? Has my mind joined my body and jumped mutiny on me? Maybe it's because I am so hungry and I just long to sit and eat a meal from start to finish. I pray so, and not only that, I am praying for God to increase my joy, long suffering, and strength in him and HIS will for me and my future family.

So often I read blog posts where women are blasted, judged, and unmercifully crucified because of how they feel about children and family planning. While I believe the Scripture and what is says about the blessing of children, I don't see where God placed a number for the Christian society as a whole to use to measure a woman's acceptability in biblical womanhood or acceptable motherhood. God says "Be fruitful and multiply" but in the end, isn't he the one that creates the life and multiplication? Now I am a firm believer in that it is not our place to help him determine how many fruit equates fruitfulness, but is a woman wrong for seeking God on what his will is in her family equation without using birth control ?

Maybe its the hormones, maybe I am just wrong. I love children, I love the idea of creating children with my husband and I love being a mother and I want to have as many children as God wants me to have; but it still doesn't change the fact that they way I feel physically, and the inability to be a productive wife and mother at this moment makes me feel the way I do today. At this point in time, I simply don't feel as if I can have a large family. But then again it's the way I feel, God may say different. I am sure that if he does I won't feel this way, and I will simply have the grace and strength to go through the physical changes and discomforts.

Part of being a woman of God is being honest, being honest with yourself and God because God truly knows how I feel. Another part is being accepting of Gods will and through that honesty seeking his help and his will. One thing I promised myself when I started blogging is to always be honest. Mainstream Christian Womanhood Bloggers may not always agree with my thoughts but I refuse to portray this cookie cutter-ness just to be accepted in the blog community. My thoughts, feelings and actions may not always be ideal, but they are me and I am a work in progress. We will see what tomorrow holds as for now continue to Stay Blessed and Stay Encouraged- this includes me:)


Terry, Ornament of His Grace said...

Sweetie, you are not alone. I knew that my latest baby would be my last because 3 c-sections is more than enough. You know I agree with you totally on the issue of living out the call of God on YOUR life. Sometimes when I read blogs I wonder if we realize that we are called to a life transformed, not a life conformed- to any one group's idea of what Biblical femininity looks like. Be lead by the spirit, be in harmony with your husband, and have a clear conscience before the Lord as you obey His word. Whether that means one more baby or 5 more babies really isn't for us to judge now is it? Feel better soon, friend.

Bridget said...

I pray God's grace and more grace on you. In agreement with Terry, after having "all day" sickness and three C-sections, I understand your feelings. I loved your blog before this post and still love it (if not more!). Congratulations and best wishes to you and your family.

Persuaded said...

i remember when i was pregnant with my first... i had flu, but didn't realize it and thought i was going to have to endure that level of sickness for the whole pregnancy. i can clearly remember telling my mom that i didn't think i could live like that for 8 more months and i didn't think i ever wanted to be pregnant again. lol. now, like i said, this was my first, and i had been longing to be a mama since i was...oh, maybe 5yo myself. you'd think i would have been saying "i don't care what i have to go through for this baby and all the future little ones the Lord has for me!" but no, i was ready to throw it all in, just because i was sick for a couple of days... yes, i am a wimp! hon, you have been sick for much much longer than i was- for weeks right? and i'm sure you are just worn down to a frazzle. the beginning of your married life is not what you had imagined and dreamed it would be, i'm sure. it's not surprising that you would be feeling as you do right now.

now, i don't know what the "right" choice is for you and your dh regarding future little thomases, but i am pretty close to certain that this point in time is not the best time to be making any decisions about all of that. let the Lord get you through this pregnancy- you can make those big decisions later. and actually, when that time rolls around you may find the choice to be a lot easier, no matter which way you choose:)

love ya, hon:)