Today I must share the thoughts that are going on in my mind, as scary as they are I have to actually write them out to make sure that they are real. Hopefully I won't loose readers after this but if I do then God help.
As I have mentioned and some of you know this is a very hard pregnancy for me. In my entire life, I cannot remember ( and I have tried) a time where I was this sick. I feel as though my body is in the middle of a mutiny which is headed by the child I am carrying. Now I am not complaining (I hope), but I am admitting that this is very difficult for me.
I am used to being on the go, always busy, and a somewhat productive member of society, and the glue of my home. Even before I was married all things started and revolved around me as mother andafter I got married it was me in my role of wife and mother. Now I feel as I have recently been reduced to a couch/bed potato who really can't do much for herself and we won't even mention the lack of production for my family. To simply put it, I am just not used to being or feeling useless. So yesterday in between my fits of nausea and excessive vomiting, I looked at my husband and said " Babe, I don't know if I can go through this again" and I was serious. Crying serious and that has bothered me all day and all night.
Is this a phase? Am I being selfish? Has my mind joined my body and jumped mutiny on me? Maybe it's because I am so hungry and I just long to sit and eat a meal from start to finish. I pray so, and not only that, I am praying for God to increase my joy, long suffering, and strength in him and HIS will for me and my future family.
So often I read blog posts where women are blasted, judged, and unmercifully crucified because of how they feel about children and family planning. While I believe the Scripture and what is says about the blessing of children, I don't see where God placed a number for the Christian society as a whole to use to measure a woman's acceptability in biblical womanhood or acceptable motherhood. God says "Be fruitful and multiply" but in the end, isn't he the one that creates the life and multiplication? Now I am a firm believer in that it is not our place to help him determine how many fruit equates fruitfulness, but is a woman wrong for seeking God on what his will is in her family equation without using birth control ?
Maybe its the hormones, maybe I am just wrong. I love children, I love the idea of creating children with my husband and I love being a mother and I want to have as many children as God wants me to have; but it still doesn't change the fact that they way I feel physically, and the inability to be a productive wife and mother at this moment makes me feel the way I do today. At this point in time, I simply don't feel as if I can have a large family. But then again it's the way I feel, God may say different. I am sure that if he does I won't feel this way, and I will simply have the grace and strength to go through the physical changes and discomforts.
Part of being a woman of God is being honest, being honest with yourself and God because God truly knows how I feel. Another part is being accepting of Gods will and through that honesty seeking his help and his will. One thing I promised myself when I started blogging is to always be honest. Mainstream Christian Womanhood Bloggers may not always agree with my thoughts but I refuse to portray this cookie cutter-ness just to be accepted in the blog community. My thoughts, feelings and actions may not always be ideal, but they are me and I am a work in progress. We will see what tomorrow holds as for now continue to Stay Blessed and Stay Encouraged- this includes me:)
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