A Marriage After His Heart

My journey and life unscripted as I transition from the role of a single mom living for God to a newlywed trying my best at blending and expanding my family, all while pursing a marriage after God and my husband's heart. Join us on this journey!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Lying Low & Soul Searching

Psalms 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Well friends, as you can see I have been lying low for the past couple of weeks. Part of it has been for reasons within my control, the other for reasons beyond my control. I still can't receive Internet access in my neck of the woods, and unbeknownst to me blogger access is restricted at our local library. At first I was a little anxious, but then I got to thinking about all the desires that I had for my home and my spare time once I settled into my stay at home role and decided that it was probably best that I just spend time focusing on those things and less on blogging.

The past few weeks have been a very humbling experience for me. One I have been ill and was forced to rest and totally depend on my husband and children, the other being that I had time to sit down and be quiet with my thoughts. The latter proved to be a test of the wills. I found that during all of my years "on the go", I really never had taken the opportunity to sit down un-interrupted with all of my thoughts. All of my hopes, fears, insecurities, dreams and ambitions. Once I did this, I realized that many of them were just as I mentioned, my thoughts and not God's reality for me.

I've had all of these ideals about my life, my career, raising my children, and even being married and what I found is that even though I thought I had acknowledged God in these areas, I honestly did not. What I did was, I informed him of the things I wanted to do, I searched my heart and the Word to see if my ideals lined up with the Scriptures and when I didn't hear the ever so clear NO then I just went along making plans for my life, and my family's life.

The truth is that I never heard NO from God because I really and truly didn't ask him. I kinda sorta asked, you know how your kids do when they tell you they are getting ready to do something in hopes that you won't disagree or question. Well that is what I found I was guilty of.

Now the work lies in reprogramming my mind. Actually having the time to sit still and talk to God, listen to him and for him, and to trust in him is the starting point. I realized that the unhappiness in my job was simply because it wasn't from God. The repair in the relationship with my kids exist because I put all other things first even when I didn't realize it. Sometimes we make mistakes, honest mistakes, most are very unintentional, but the thing about mistakes is they will show up sooner or later and they have to be corrected or they will fester and cause more problems than the actual fixing.

I have even had to go in and reprogram my thinking about my marriage, my role as my husband's wife, and our role in God's design for us. I had to really seriously dig deep and ask God to help me have the right goals for my marriage because I have no clue what marriage entails. I know its a positive thing in my life, but now I am not working, now there is a larger burden on my husband what do I do as a wife to be a blessing to him and unto you.

I have a whole new respect for David when he asked God to search him because once you ask with a humble heart there is no turning back. God is faithful, he will show you things you want to see, and things about you that you necessarily don't want to accept. The good thing is that as long as he is showing you, he is talking to you, it means he still loves you, and he wants you to have everything in those thoughts that he has for you ( Jer 29:11-14).

I hope to post more, I have found a quaint little cafe not far from my home that has free wi-fi, so I plan to be back Lord willing. As for now, I just wanted to check in, drop a line, and let you all know that all is well. Be Blessed and Stay Encouraged!


Bridget said...

Beautiful post.

Terry, Ornament of His Grace said...

A couple of times in the past week, I picked up the phone, intending to call you, and something (some ONE) wouldn't let me. I now see that you needed time to focus on what's important. It's obvious that you and the Lord are spending some valuable time catching up.

I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well and I hope you feel stronger soon. I know how frustrating it can be when you have a laundry list of things to do but no strength to do them. Stay encouraged!

Rosheeda said...

Those 'ah-ha' moments are precious because they give the opportunity for growth...

Feel better,and keep seeking Him. He will show you things you can't even imagine.

Persuaded said...

i'm just ever so glad you posted.. you have been on my mind *daily* my dear.

it sounds like you and the Lord are getting some seriously good soul work done. i can't help but think that He is well pleased with you, how you are submitting to him, and being so tender and teachable. He is good... i like to say that He is unrelentingly dependable... and He is bringing you out into a spacious place:)

i'd still like to make you that wedding gift, hon... although now you may prefer a different type of gift instead, lol. email me when you get the chance:)